move over, dunkin'

minegars got a donut pan.

i like that they stay standing up, too

adorbs

true story

today i made a concerted effort to enjoy a healthy snack. i stopped by the market for an apple, but the lady at the counter said there was a five dollar minimum for credit cards and i realized i was totally cashless. i was determined to get that apple and the line behind me was getting longer. i was going to be late if i stepped out of line and shopped for something reasonable. so to meet my credit card minimum, i started furiously grabbing random add-ons from the bins near the register. when the fancy chile candy bar didn't tip me over, i went for fruit chews. i was still 13 cents short. then that happy boy on the kinder chocolate caught my attention. alas, my healthy snack became quite the international smorgasbord. dark chocolate is healthy, right?

frontline

dissertation live.

brown

the worst highlighter color option, ever.

SEE

we held on to our butts

last month, the minegars spent an afternoon geeking out at dinosaurs in the museum of natural history. correction: the first hour and a half i was actually looking at extinct mammals which i expertly called dinosaurs....but alas, we found them.

we've been 3rd graders ever since. seriously, why am i not a paleontologist? long story short, we've been brushing up on fossil trivia and decided to buy jurassic park on amazon instant play. that was two weeks ago. tonight we saw it in 3D!

shameless dino nerds.

odd

has anyone else seen the commercial for splash?

basically, joey lawrence hosts a reality show where "celebrities" (seriously, i only recognized Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Louie Anderson) compete in a high diving competition.

what the what?  

lucky

happy st. p!

recovery

sometimes march feels like the emotional equivalent of recovering from a bad flu. you feel a lot better, but you still have a little cough and can't quite shake that headache...you finally mustered enough energy to shower and that wears you out...you returned to work, but came home early with a fever...

know what i mean?

i'm really affected by seasonal changes (especially winter) and by the time spring rolls around, i'm pretty wiped. daylight savings and these teaser warm days have me feeling cheerful and hopeful, but i'm not quite over my blues. i've found that march is quite a limbo month for me. i want to move on with my sunny days, but i know it's going to snow one more time. my guard is up and my inner grouch is still hanging around....it's not the first part of spring, it's the last part of winter.

does anyone else have trouble with this transition?

...other musings on my complicated relationship with spring.

contrast

oh, March.
snowing today.
53 tomorrow.

go go gadget eyes

so mornings aren't my thing. i wake up late and slug around like a zombie for forty-five minutes every day.  by some miracle, i manage to get to work fully clothed.

a good 75% of my routine consists of my fumbling around while visually impaired.  note exhibit A. i have been wearing this new bathrobe for seven days, and only today did the bespectacled me notice the scratchy price tag dangling from the armpit of my garment.

apparently my vision impacts all tactile faculties.

huzzah.

what's in a name?

my husband erupts in laughter every time call the liquor store the "alcohol store." not once has a beer run ever involved the purchase of liquor.

wait wait

"I mean, basically, a wedding invitation is a gift subpoena."

-Peter Sagal, Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!

foreshadowing?

i truly hope this is no indication of what's in store with the impending sequestration.

impeccable timing money plant.

big day

 happy thirtieth, baby brother!
love you bunches.

mine

i love you sweetface.

bread and milk

i swear this guy was at the grocery store yesterday. hurricane sandy has scarred us ECers for life.

storms! mayhem! bah!

ironic

this just in:
sledding and sculpting activities at my university have been canceled due to the snow storm.

bah ha ha

finding nemo

and he's just getting started...

'like' is the new 'um'

i seriously need to work on this.

every year

it. kills. me.

>other ruminations on 'hog days'


image via abcnews.com

if these walls could speak

...they'd say, "wtf is a squirrel doing in here?"
yeah, we have a friend in our wall.

gun show

michelle obama's arms inspire me.

four more years

that's what i'm talking about.

throwing punches

while last year had a lot of sweet moments, i was eager to leave it behind.  we had our hearts in the wringer more that once and we finished out the year rather deflated. ....but i'm optimistic!

i plan to punch 2013 in the throat, seriously.* 

topping my anxiety list at this juncture (in no particular order) is:

school stress...exhaustion/exasperation/elation

work stress...so much of it out of my control 

career pressures

life expectations 

reaching milestones and things being different than I had hoped/planned

family obligations

need for community

wanting ownership (namely a home) and feeling impatient

perfectionist tendencies

being empathic to the point of life disruption

dealing with grief

needing to feel creative and useful

it feels like a lot of chaos to start the year with, but i'm ignoring my usual penchant to feel daunted.  january is generally the month i comb through my intentions and make a plan for myself {like so}. i'd be lying if i said i didn't have some success with this strategy, but as a perfectionist this approach also leaves me rather anxious. i tend to knock out a lot, but if my 'big picture' goals aren't met or life throws a wrench in the mix, i get very disappointed and down. i get caught up in the details and i don't let myself catch a break. i even critique my ability to positively 'reframe' situations...exhausting! my unconscious desire to perfect every aspect of my daily experience is wearing me down.

so my primary goal for 2013 is to stop caring. yep.

i know it sounds harsh, so i'll elaborate a bit. although there are many things i should and do care about, those aren't the things that i'm absorbed in; i'm consumed by minutia. i have spent so much time obsessing over my anxieties and struggling to perfectly execute each task and navigate each dilemma/situation that i hardly recognize myself. i am so absolutely inundated with thoughts, advice, and coping strategies that i've been experiencing life like a disengaged bystander. i replay events in my head, i obsess over what's next, i hold on to disappointments, i try to read minds and accommodate everybody, i second guess my emotions, i measure myself against others, i worry about being 'behind' and 'missing out,' and i'm terrified of failure. none of these approaches really addresses the anxiety...they just add to it.

my plan is simple: when i'm feeling sidetracked by negative and idle thoughts, i take a deep breath and i envision flicking a little paper wad into oblivion. next!

i figure i can still get inspired, write my dissertation, enjoy health kicks, built new friendships, complete creative projects, and stay organized without trying to anticipate every move. i'm going to figure things out as i go. i'm going to try moving forward without any grand declarations. 

that's why i'm throwing punches instead of letting myself be strangled by good intentions.

.

.

.

but here's my backup plan......C05.--Beauty Quest. i could always chew my way to true sapience.

*i actually stole that clever slogan from here

something sweet

look what A. made me for my bday....yeah, those flowers are made of fruit! what what....

that's just how my fancy pants husband rolls.

xo, ATM.

'tis the season

traveler's breakfast

3:00 am wake up
5:25 am boarding time
9:00 am layover breakfast

in my ♥

love you T.L.H.

miss you

 grandpa

bird's the word

Happy Thanksgiving!

rocked it

new normal

to keep family informed and to help me process this experience, i've decided to jot things down.

i feel quite spoiled sitting here in my warm apartment tonight. A. and i are safe and sound. we have power. we have water. we have a home. we are extremely grateful. as one of the fortunate inland dwellers to who survived the storm unscathed, i've had a lot of time to reflect this week.

last monday night, we sat transfixed as the Doppler tracked the storm's eye. we watched the trees bend and between shuddering bursts and eerie silence, we waited it out. at the end of the mess, we still had power but many of our neighbors were in the dark. trees were tipped in every direction. we watched the news in horror for three days straight. no work. no school. no trains. just anxious anticipation.

my anxiety swelled when we realized A.'s chest cold was going to require a doctor visit, but clinics were without power and pharmacies closed. then the gas rationing started. i felt panicked and somehow unprepared, but i tried to keep things in perspective.

it was immediately apparent how convenient and safe my life is, and how scary it can feel to worry about having medical access, to anticipate shortages in supplies, and to prepare an evacuation route. for the last week, i have been experiencing a small bit of the anxieties that are the daily reality of many people. and as a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, i must say, i'm aching for my community.

i have lived here only six short years, but it's long enough to understand the pride new-jersians feel for their state. and new jersey is hurting.

over the weekend, i went into work to help remove mold from our special collections. with flashlights in hand, we retrieved rare books from the stacks and prepared them for cleaning. we worked to preserve history, in the most literal sense. it was a relief to come to someone's aid.

sitting there in the cold, dark building, a new realization set in; this is the new normal. at least for the time being.

emergency relief. increased volunteering. long lines. car pooling. staying local. waiting.

new realities. new dilemmas. new priorities.

guilt.

it also feels a little lonely. our circle really only extends to work and school out here, so it's been difficult to commiserate our anxieties with many people. we realized our lives are so focused, we don't really have people to call and check in on.  that feels strange.

today i stayed home from work. they ran out of gas on saturday (our day) and i couldn't justify using the car while we still needed groceries.  i spent the day at the market, the doctor's office, and searching for gas (our day again...odd numbered plates).  i've never had to choose between helping someone out and looking out for myself. the "choice" felt rotten.

the indefiniteness of the new normal is odd too, especially when our immediate area isn't terribly scarred (relatively speaking). on the surface, so much seems unchanged, but the trains aren't operating, fuel isn't accessible, milk and bread are hard to come by, cell reception is spotty, stores are closed, and many people have been without power for six days.  it's eerie to be on the periphery of disaster as well.

emotionally, it has been hard to find a comfortable place to land. so many things seem frivolous. and these minor adjustments for us are constant reminders that people in our community are suffering. we make donations and volunteer locally, but it's uncomfortable having crisis so close by and being asked to patiently wait.

i am learning a lot this week.

list it tuesday (early)

when i was a kid, my parents had a technique for encouraging family participation in household chores. dad would declare a "white tornado" and we would crank up the tunes (read: huey lewis and the news) and whiz around the house with dusters, furiously tidying our messes. this weekend we've instituted "operation sandy" (when you're advised to stay indoors, it encourages the spiffy to come out).

purchase non-perishables, check.
bake two dozen nutella-stuffed chocolate chip cookies, check.
cook giant pot of veggie soup, check.
vacuum, check.
test flashlights, check.
storm prep, check.
scrub down kitchen, check.
do laundry, check.
ikea run (hey, we had to get out while we still could), check.

i did save a couple of activities for the glow of my flashlight. these things have been waiting to be done/started, but i just never muster enough interest.  now that i'm hostage, i think i give them a go. maybe.

see who else is playing HERE

on waiting

hurricanes get a lot of hype, especially when they make landfall in your area only a handful of times every two centuries. since thursday, new jersey has been 'preparing' and it's made three days creep along ever so slowly.

everyone has their bottled water, peanut butter, and extra batteries. the subway and trains have all stopped running. school and work are canceled until wednesday. maintenance vehicles are trucking toward the east coast. and still we wait in our silent house, no rain or bluster in sight.

it's like we all went to bed early. the world on pause. waiting.

i've been wistfully enjoying my electricity as the hours tick by. there is something oddly apocalyptic about waiting for an emergency to arrive. people go about their business but in the back of their minds they are second guessing their nonchalance. what if.

if it's no big deal, we'll be irritated by the distraction. if the power stays off, we'll be irritated by the inconvenience. if we have a true emergency, we'll be devastated we were unprepared.

i wasn't this preoccupied with last year's storm, but then there wasn't all this waiting. and thinking.